… and I’m back

I’m back to posting what I am feeling and what pleases me musically/creatively.

Enjoy the ride. Yes, I mean you!

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unsatisfied

A case of the fucking blahs today.  There is no growth without discomfort, I know, but it seems the thing that is most important to me is the thing that continues to elude me.  Overthinking it I am sure.   I am very thankful for everything that is going so well otherwise – work, my health and that of those I love, a comfortable home, family, friends, dog, but there is still that something missing.  Come on universe.

p.s. – Tonight Jamie and I were driving in her little car and almost got T-boned by a big, old 70s car.  They would have hit my side and it wouldn’t have been good.  In light of all of that, universe, I get the hint.  Be thankful.  I am and I need to focus on that and all other things will fall into place.  I still love this song though.  It reminds me of being a teenager and being so moody and emotional.  In some ways not much has changed if you catch me on a day like today.

There’s not a love that’s perfect. But I, I live in hope

I am ever thankful because a large majority of my days tend to be happier than not, however today is a reminder there is more work yet to be done and less than great days will always exist no matter how positive you try to keep your outlook. I am coming to realize you may simultaneously no longer love someone and be so happy to be free from a relationship with them, yet still have a lot of underlying pain that still needs to be dealt with. After a year and half isn’t this dead horse whipped enough? Today I would guess not.

I have been more than ready to move on, I have no doubt in that, but I also see how my last relationship really damaged my ability to trust and believe someone will love me as I love them and be honest and trustworthy. Logically, I know love waits for me and there are quality people out there, but there is a scared place in my heart that is just terrorized to be vulnerable because I do not want to be eviscerated like that again. This manifests in my being contrary – aloof when I want to be open. In standing in the shadows or running away when I want to stand still, dig in and talk, to interact on a deeper level with another person.

I know I can’t punish myself or someone in my future for the poor behavior of someone in my past, but once burned its hard to get near the stove. No one will ever hurt me that way again, but I still act like a deer in the headlights when I see you. This is not how I want it to play out so I press on and push myself into new, uncharted waters. Do something different because I know the results of what I have been doing and they aren’t authentic to how I am feeling on the inside and while they definitely keep me safe from heartbreak, they also keep me from the possibility of love.

I know what is breaking loose today is necessary to embrace something new, but it still sucks to feel all this old shit once again. I want to just force through it or ignore it, but there is some reason it remains and the only way past it is through it. I also know I brought it to be by recently proclaiming I am ready to move forward and asking what may be blocking me from finding the connection I am craving. The universe usually answers pretty swiftly and here I am. I will push through this and come out the other side closer to that for which I wish.

There’s not a love that’s perfect
But I, I live in hope

Somebody good
Somebody new
Something as good
Something that’s mine

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something slow has sparked up in me

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and something slow has started in me
as shameless as an ocean and mirrored in devotion
something slow has sparked up in me

– Based on the Rumi poem Love Dogs –

One night a man was crying Allah! Allah!
His lips grew sweet with praising,
until a cynic said, “So!
I’ve heard you calling out, but have you ever
gotten any response?”
The man had no answer to that.
He quit praying and fell into a confused sleep.
He dreamed he saw Khidr, the guide of souls,
in a thick, green foliage.
“Why did you stop praising?” “Because
I’ve never heard anything back.”
“This longing you express
is the return message.”
The grief you cry out from
draws you toward union.
Your pure sadness
that wants help
is the secret cup.
Listen to the moan of a dog for its master.
That whining is the connection.
There are love dogs
no one knows the names of.
Give your life
to be one of them.

But I Killed for Love…

More centered and rested these days. It’s what I needed to get grounded again. That golden light tingling back up my spine in the evenings when I have down time to think about what lies ahead before I drift off to sleep. Lighter days and times are again upon us. Summer always has a way of bringing me into a better state of being. I wish it would stay forever, but since it doesn’t, I will eek out every last minute, appreciating the warmth and energy.

Again lately, I have been consciously choosing what my future will look like, casting those things into universe and creating action to facilitate a positive outcome. Focusing on what is important to me because this is my only life. It works and I have been seeing positive signs of what is to come if I just continue to have faith and patience. I can feel this is an incredible time right now with so much happening for myself and those I care about. Nothing I can explain other than a feeling in my gut and an optimism that things are getting seriously good.

When you boil life down, there are those who take risks and those who stay in a safe, little box. The box is a prison, it is anything but safe. The people who live a full life are those who fucking go for it in spite of the doubt and fear. Those things will always be there – doubt and fear – but they are best ignored. They have outlived their purpose. In a mortal situation, yes, they are helpful to get away from danger, but in our generally safe lives, they are a crippling impediment. In life, there are tons of people shooting for the same goal and I am not going to lose out because of fear or doubt.

I can’t remember if I like what I said
I can’t remember it went straight to my head
But I killed for love