I am ever thankful because a large majority of my days tend to be happier than not, however today is a reminder there is more work yet to be done and less than great days will always exist no matter how positive you try to keep your outlook. I am coming to realize you may simultaneously no longer love someone and be so happy to be free from a relationship with them, yet still have a lot of underlying pain that still needs to be dealt with. After a year and half isn’t this dead horse whipped enough? Today I would guess not.
I have been more than ready to move on, I have no doubt in that, but I also see how my last relationship really damaged my ability to trust and believe someone will love me as I love them and be honest and trustworthy. Logically, I know love waits for me and there are quality people out there, but there is a scared place in my heart that is just terrorized to be vulnerable because I do not want to be eviscerated like that again. This manifests in my being contrary – aloof when I want to be open. In standing in the shadows or running away when I want to stand still, dig in and talk, to interact on a deeper level with another person.
I know I can’t punish myself or someone in my future for the poor behavior of someone in my past, but once burned its hard to get near the stove. No one will ever hurt me that way again, but I still act like a deer in the headlights when I see you. This is not how I want it to play out so I press on and push myself into new, uncharted waters. Do something different because I know the results of what I have been doing and they aren’t authentic to how I am feeling on the inside and while they definitely keep me safe from heartbreak, they also keep me from the possibility of love.
I know what is breaking loose today is necessary to embrace something new, but it still sucks to feel all this old shit once again. I want to just force through it or ignore it, but there is some reason it remains and the only way past it is through it. I also know I brought it to be by recently proclaiming I am ready to move forward and asking what may be blocking me from finding the connection I am craving. The universe usually answers pretty swiftly and here I am. I will push through this and come out the other side closer to that for which I wish.
There’s not a love that’s perfect
But I, I live in hope
Something as good
Something that’s mine