A night of buzzing brain and no sleep. I always ache for a switch for the brain and heart. To just say enough. I’m switching you off for a bit until time passes and buffers these things that have risen to the surface. My endlessly restless brain and tender heart are both a blessing and a curse, but I embrace them as they are such a part of what defines me. I guess as uncomfortable as it feels sometimes, I do know I would rather bleed out completely than feel and risk nothing. I have too much boldness and sound instinct than to live any other way.
I have to be fair that I appreciate not being left hanging in the wind, but even when rejection is directly and tactfully rendered with a seasoned scalpel, it still is a tender incision. Exposing the sternum and cracking that rusty cage of ribs, laying vulnerable my usually carefully protected heart. I regret nothing in my expression and knew that while I can express a feeling, I can’t have any expectations of the person it is being expressed to and their being able to receive the same. Solely wanting an opportunity to chat and figure out what makes a person tick. People have their own things they’re dealing with and we rarely have insight in these situations. I do respect that boundary and I have no idea what the circumstances may be in this other person’s life and they owe me no explanation. Timing is everything and I know I am just as enigmatic for anyone trying to read me. Contrary to what I share here, I am a very private person, therefore, I respect the privacy of others.
I called in today. Tired. Needing to be alone. No energy or want to interact with people. I’ll live, but my efforts are better served here at home, under a warm blanket, watching the rain and letting the restless brain and heart do what they are going to do anyway. Sorting through feelings and thoughts that remain in the wake of my bold action. Don’t bite off more than you can chew. My Scorpio rising has no problem biting off a big ole chunk – being powerfully direct and bold when it needs to be. Then Cancer is left to sort through the emotional aftermath. It is that core part of me that creates the dramatic expressions of heartache and loneliness. The moody teen who believes Morrissey is right and true connection will never be obtainable. It’s bullshit and I know it, but I still feel the urge to indulge like a pouty, angsty teen. Call me morbid, call me pale…
I feel cagey in these expressions of vulnerability. Saying something to a virtual stranger and seeing what they say back. Seldom do I do ever do that. Today there is disappointment, but no regret. Now and in many situations I have the inclination to take off like some wild animal when things get too pressing or stagnant. I never want to be caged. Feeling like I am choking or being smothered. In these primitive spaces, I have deep impulses to drive away to some distant and isolated location to reflect and avoid human contact. Sit on a windy beach with music in my ears, watching something more powerful than all of this wash over and change the landscape. To lick my wounds alone and in peace.
I’m at sea again
And now my hurricanes
Have brought down
This ocean rain
To bathe me again
My ship’s a sail
Can you hear its tender frame
Screaming from beneath the waves
Screaming from beneath the waves
All hands on deck at dawn
Sailing to sadder shores
Your port in my heavy storms
Harbours the blackest thoughts