Sometimes life seems like all work and no play. I have definitely been feeling that pressure lately. I have moments of fun and freedom, but the realities of life, especially my job recently, keep pulling me back into this space of imprisoned blah. I am not afraid of hard work and my work ethic seems to be the thing getting me into this spot of being given more work yet again. Yay for me? As Logan always tells me – hard work is rewarded with more hard work. My theory is if I am working hard it should be for myself or, if for someone else, show me in my wallet!
I never want work to be the main theme of my life. I work to live, not live to work. I had lunch with an old friend this week and I was saying how I never want to be captured and a prisoner to any person or circumstance, let alone a job and that is always why I avoided college. I tried it for a year or so, but bolted because at the time it felt like High School II and I felt I hated the conformity. Instead, I chose to work my bookstore job and go see a ton of shows with friends. I had a ton of fun and saw so many great shows so I don’t necessarily regret that part. However, I do have some regrets now that I didn’t get a degree while I was younger and had less responsibility, but I also have that anxiety of being trapped in something and if I get a degree does it seal my fate? I know logically that sounds really stupid, but there is some wild animal part of me that really fears being stuck or captured against my will in any way. To not have free will. Bringing this up, my friend pointed out, which is a bigger prison, school or my current situation at my job? Touché. Touché. Then I felt a choking anxiety. I have the ultimate power to change my circumstances and I know I really am never stuck anywhere against my will, but I do feel the need to vest at my current job since I have less than a year and that was a push for me taking the job in the first place. In the meantime, I have to formulate my Plan A for once that goal is achieved. A different career direction is definitely in order.
My personal life is where I find the greatest fulfillment, but there is also work to be done there too at this stage. Sigh. 2012, is definitely a time for destruction, change, growth and, yes, more hard work. I want the good stuff and I know that always involves fortitude and patience. Even more blood, sweat and tears than what I have already expended. The bottom line is I refuse to settle anymore in this life so I guess I need to dig in and roll up my sleeves right now. Work, patience, faith and eventual reward. I have to keep moving forward and trust that what I choose will meet fulfillment on the horizon.
Earlier in the week I was in a seriously shitastic mood. Feeling like a coiled rattlesnake ready to strike. I took some time to reflect and the bottom line is when things aren’t where you’d like them to be you have to ask yourself,”what are you going to do about it?” To keep being a complete asshole didn’t seem like a good option so my choice was to get over myself. To take ownership of things, stop the crabbypants pity party and come up with a plan of action of how to make things happier and more tolerable in my life.
I am happiest when I am just following my heart/gut, but tend think ad nauseum. While this type of thinking does give me insight to things many people wouldn’t even think of, on a greater level it takes up a ton of time and causes me to lose motivation. I will think the life out of something, bury it, unearth its coffin, raise the dead and overthink it some more. It is counterproductive and a total waste of time at that level. I have worked with lawyers too long maybe. I am seeing I will never be too terribly impractical or foolish so I need to just let up and act on feeling and instinct rather than my overactive brain. When the brain starts kicking in too much just say fuck it brain, I’m going with my gut and proceeding. I think all the restrictions and rules that are in place in our day to day life can really kill the human experience and our valuable core animal instincts. That feeling in your viscera, the lightening up your spine or the hair that stands up on the back of your neck. That is more powerful than any conscious thought.
The main thing I love about about kids is that they are so fresh, honest and free thinking. In childhood, most everything is a new experience and there are no preconceived notions. We are born a perfect, clean canvas. Over the years all the rules implemented upon us through school and other experiences chip away at that spirit, openness and freedom and replaces it with conformity. I am all about reconnecting with that true, free and unafraid core of my character before all the cautionary tales and restrictions warped my sense of what is and isn’t possible. I see that I prefer to live in a world of possibility until shown otherwise so why not live in alignment with that belief and hope and just see where it leads me? Probably to greater places than all the overthinking and worry ever have.
This Twin Shadow song has been the new song I have been obsessively listening to on repeat this week. Love it hard.
It’s been so long, so long
Since I fell apart
Fell in love
Some people say there’s a golden light
You’re the golden light
And if I chase after you
Doesn’t mean that it’s true
Some people say there’s a golden light
If I’m the golden light
If you chase after me
Doesn’t mean you can see